Pregnancy Loss: How to Enjoy Being Pregnant After Miscarriage

Pregnant After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Loss: Encouragement for Moms

Pregnancy after miscarriage (or any kind of child loss) is a unique kind of challenge. It’s something that we feel alone in. Isolated. Like no one else could ever understand these conflicting feelings we are wrestling. The complex mixture of anticipation and heartbreak.

But the thing is…we aren’t alone. Not in the least.

Experiencing loss is something we as mothers struggle to talk about. But the more I share my story, the more I am seeing that so many others have experienced it too. Somehow, knowing that we are not alone brings more healing.

If you are or hope to soon be going through a pregnancy after loss, I want to invite you to find some of that healing too. I also want to share some tips I have picked up along the way that may encourage you. Here is my story and how you too can learn to enjoy your pregnancy after loss.

My Story of Pregnancy After Loss

We had been trying to conceive for only a few months and I was trying not to overthink it. So, when my doctor told me the strange symptoms I was experiencing were likely a miscarriage, I was shocked. I had all the extreme feelings of finding out I was pregnant for the very first time and the pain of losing a baby hit me at the same intense moment. My heart ached deeply and my body took months to recover fully.

Another 6 months passed and we conceived our son, Sam. His birth was such a special gift to us and the next year was a blur of the joys and overwhelming struggles of new parenting.

A couple months after his first birthday we had another shock: a positive pregnancy test.


We were excited, but definitely intimidated by the thought of repeating the last year again so soon. I also had some faint whispers of fear over another pregnancy after loss. Around two weeks into knowing about the baby, we had our first really sweet conversation about what life would be like with two little ones. The next morning, I started bleeding. Familiar cramping started. I knew.

After a weekend of bed rest, an ultrasound confirmed our second loss on Monday morning. It was Halloween and my midwife was dressed as Arial from The Little Mermaid.

I was crushed.

It was different this time. I had known this baby for weeks. Prayed over his or her life. Imagined my son playing alongside this sibling. We had a due date. This was more than pregnancy loss…we lost our child.

Pregnancy After Loss: Enjoying Your Rainbow Baby

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I was terrified that it was my fault. Had I treasured the baby enough? What if we were so dumbfounded by the surprise of it all that the baby didn’t feel wanted?

Fast forward about 4 months. My husband and I decided to try for our next child. I figured it would take a while after all my body had been through in the last couple of years…nope. First. Try.

As I write, I’m 26 weeks along with this little boy. I won’t lie, it’s been a painful struggle to let myself long for the birth of this baby. It would be easier to remain apathetic and just hope for the best. But I can’t do that. I was born to be a mother…to all 4 of these babies and to whoever may follow. So I hold my belly and pray for this boy. I talk to my son about his baby brother and I plan away for his nursery. I know that we aren’t promised a safe, healthy delivery, but I can choose to love this little one for however long he lives. So I will.

I know I’m not the only one with this story.

If you’re reading this, you may be walking through something similar…or something very, very different. You may be experiencing your first pregnancy after loss. Maybe your losses have been multiple. Maybe you even held your baby before saying goodbye. Whatever your story, I want to share some things that I’ve learned as I have carried this baby within me after the loss of two others.

Choose Joy

It is possible to have joy in the midst of pain. We can enjoy the sweet gift of pregnancy for every day that we get to experience it, even if that joy stings a little too. We could choose to be pessimistic or to let our mourning overshadow our hope. Or we can choose joy. 

Pregnancy after loss is overwhelming, but even after miscarriage or stillbirth you can overcome fear and enjoy your rainbow baby. The first trimester is often hardest. Don't let fear of another loss steal your joy. If you are expecting again after losing a baby, these tips offer hope, encouragement, and affirmations...

Joy is a choice.

That’s important. Remember it. Tell it to yourself every day. Not just in pregnancy after loss, but always. Life will constantly throw us curve balls that we can’t handle. Cling to what is True.

I can’t say I do this perfectly. I know I don’t. But it’s been my theme as I walk through my adult life and I can confidently say that joy doesn’t naturally come from within me. It’s a struggle and a decision each moment, especially in the hardest of times. It’s grace given to me.

So, as your heart aches for your lost baby and you cling to hope for another, choose to believe in true promises and find joy in a Love that doesn’t waver, even when our circumstances do.

Remember Their Due Date

Whether you are pregnant again or not, I recommend making a special mental note of the day your baby was due. Celebrate their memory on this day. For you, this may mean doing something special. Or it may be too painful. That’s ok too.

For me, I didn’t even say it out loud. I couldn’t. But it was also special for me to keep it to myself. I whispered it in my mind throughout the day and mourned silently. It was a little bond between me and my baby that no one else could know or feel. Life was still buzzing busily around me, but I was connecting to my child.

Pregnancy after loss is overwhelming, but even after miscarriage or stillbirth you can overcome fear and enjoy your rainbow baby. The first trimester is often hardest. Don't let fear of another loss steal your joy. If you are expecting again after losing a baby, these tips offer hope, encouragement, and affirmations...

This day for me wasn’t very long ago. In fact, it was the day I officially launched my blog. It was bittersweet. It was a breath of new life on that hard day. And now I’m getting to share about my baby’s life with you here. Isn’t that kind of cool?

Connect with Baby

To someone who hasn’t experienced pregnancy after loss, this might sound strange, but it can be difficult to let yourself really connect with your baby after losing another. Maybe it’s a self-preservation instinct. We want to protect ourselves from more heartbreak. Let me tell you, it’s ok to feel those things. You’re not alone in that.

But despite that instinct, I encourage you (and myself) to push through and get alone with the little one inside of you. This is a new life. A different life. One whose entire existence depends on you. That is so special.

Take a bath, light some candles, take some deep breaths and let yourself become Mommy to this sweet one. Hold your belly and pray over their life. If you’re far enough along, treasure the little kicks you may feel as baby responds to your attention. And let yourself cry.

I know it hurts. I know that you want to give this baby everything, but you can’t help the painful reminder of what you’ve lost. Press in. Imagine holding this baby when he or she arrives and the beautiful connection that you will have. Let it begin now. I mean really begin. It will be worth every moment, whether just a few or a lifetime.

Consider the Odds

I wanted to include some practical advice here too. After the ultrasound that confirmed our second loss, I asked my doctor if there was something wrong with my body. I was worried that having two miscarriages meant there was a problem and that it would keep happening.

He told me that one miscarriage is very common. While having another after one healthy birth is heartbreaking, it is something that can just happen. He said that they usually wait until after 3 losses to start searching for underlying causes and that I shouldn’t expect that it would happen in our next pregnancy. He also told me to look at my son and remember that my body does know what to do and that it can do it again.

I know that some of you reading this may not have a child to look to just yet, but I hope that this still somehow helps encourage you. As I began this pregnancy, I was so nervous and fearful, but I kept reminding myself that my body was created to do this. I tried to focus on the odds being in my favor. Ultimately, I am trying (still) to remember that it is not in my control.

Pregnancy after loss is overwhelming, but even after miscarriage or stillbirth you can overcome fear and enjoy your baby. If you are expecting again after losing a baby, these tips offer hope, encouragement, and affirmations...

Talk to Someone who Understands

You are not alone in this. The more I spoke up about my losses, the more I found that I knew so many women who had been through it too. This is also why I decided to share my pregnancy news earlier this time. I knew that if something happened, I’d need to have women to talk to who would understand. There seems to be a bond among women who have experienced pregnancy after loss.

More than that, we need to talk to someone who can truly understand. We are not alone in our suffering. We have a Father who loves us the way we love our babies. In fact, He loves us better.

As I walked through my first trimester this time around, I poured out my fear in prayer. I was given peace in exchange. Many days, fear has crept back in. But as I continue to tell God exactly how I’m feeling, He comforts me.

I tell him that I’m sad that I’ll never meet the baby I last held in my womb. I tell him that I’m terrified for the life of the one who lives in me now. He reminds me that my babies, including Sam, are gifts to me. His love is great and He gives good gifts to His children. While sometimes we still have to face great pain too, we are able to cherish our babies for however long their lives may be.

It is such a gift to be entrusted as the mother of sweet little ones. I hope to call myself mommy to many more children, whether I carry them within me or not. I encourage you to focus on the gift, rather than the pain. It’s ok to embrace that part too, but then pour it back out to the One who truly sympathizes with you and then choose joy.

*Update: I have been so encouraged by the brave mamas who have shared their stories of pregnancy after loss in the comments below. If this post has resonated with you, I want to invite you to share yours. There is something freeing about connecting with other women who know your struggle. I’d love for this to be a place for mothers who have experienced loss of any kind to come together to encourage one another. I hope you join us.

If you’d like some more tips on pregnancy or life as a new mom, follow me on Pinterest.Pregnancy After Loss: Enjoying Your Rainbow Baby

Pregnancy after loss is overwhelming, but even after miscarriage or stillbirth you can overcome fear and enjoy your rainbow baby. The first trimester is often hardest. Don't let fear of another loss steal your joy. If you are expecting again after losing a baby, these tips offer hope, encouragement, and affirmations...


  1. Jessica

    Thank you for sharing your story! I am 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. Our first child was born with a heart defect. The Lord allowed us to love and care for him for almost 3 whole months. He is now with Jesus. We miss him so much! I’ve been struggling with the fear of experiencing more heartbreak with this new life growing within me. Just like you said, I must choose to be joyful just like I choose to fear. Praying for you!

    • ashleybbass

      This brought me tears. I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine that heartbreak, but I’m so proud of you for choosing joy! Your story is beautiful. Congratulations on the new life growing in you! Praise God! Thank you for reading.

  2. Alaina

    I really really needed to read this today. My husband and I have a beautiful, vibrant 3 year old daughter. We tried last year for a sibling for her, and we lost the baby at 12 weeks pregnant. Although we were both devastated, we understood that God had a bigger plan for our family. I took several months to mourn and come to terms with the loss. I had desperately wanted to try again, but was just not ready. As of yesterday, I have felt really nauseous all day, and am about 5 days away from the start of my period. Just for kicks, I decided to take a test – and boom – positive. I have so many different emotions whirling around in my head right now, mainly fear, but you are absolutely right, I need to choose Joy. Thank you for this post.

    • ashleybbass

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss. Praise God for the new little one growing inside you! I hope you let yourself feel all the natural feelings that will come in this pregnancy, but also allow yourself to get excited and connect with this new baby too. You’re doing great. Take it a day at a time! Remember you are not alone.

  3. Terrified

    I really needed to read this today, I lost my last baby at 21 weeks. She was stillborn and that loss heart my husband and I to the core. I’m 5 weeks pregnant now and I’m terrified to tell my husband. I would rather me feel the pain verses both of us if there was a loss. I pray over this baby everyday and want to feel the excitement but it is so hard.

    • ashleybbass

      I’m so glad this was encouraging for you. I’m heartbroken to hear about your loss. Congratulations on your new sweet one! I know how scary that is. It’s ok to have all those feelings. I hope you can share the news with your husband soon, so that he can walk through this with you. The excitement and the hard part too. You shouldn’t have to be feeling it all alone. You can do this!

    • jamie

      We lost our third baby at 21 weeks and another at 16…i just found out we are pregnant again and i can’t wrap my head around being scared or happy….I waited several days before i told my hubby and we havent shared with anyone else yet either… its hard, i dont know if it ever gets to a point of feeling relief that your expecting and all is good! I havent even made a doc appointment yet because im exhausted with all the tests and such i know will be taking place and the waiting on the results is sickening.

      • ashleybbass

        Jamie, I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly hard. Know that you are not alone. Every bit of pain that this struggle is causing you is proof of what a wonderful mother you are to your babies. You are enduring so much for their sake. I’ll be in prayer for your current pregnancy and for your joy during it.

  4. Andrea Alldredge

    Thank you for this! I have a healthy amazing 2 year old little boy! Had a miscarriage in September and got pregnant right away again and I’m now 6 weeks with another bundle of joy! It’s been so hard but yet talking to God has helped! You hit all of my feelings in this post! Thank you!

    • ashleybbass

      Andrea, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s definitely something that stays with us mamas. But congratulations on your newest little one! Keep trusting in God’s strength throughout this new adventure. I hope you can choose joy every day!

  5. Avery

    Thank you so much for sharing. All of this speaks to my heart and is exactly what I needed to be reminded of. After experiencing a loss a year ago, I too was scared to have another child. I didn’t know if my heart could handle another loss. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and living everyday as if something bad is going to happen. It is exhausting. I need to pray more and be thankful for this live I have inside of me, and stop anticipating the worst. I have a beautiful 3.5 year old son who is full of life and love and I can’t wait to see what our next child will bring!

    • ashleybbass

      Avery, I’m so sorry about your loss. I absolutely know how scary it is to be pregnant again. Remember you are a great mama to your son and that great love can be shared with this baby too, even when it’s hard. I hope you find comfort, hope, and joy throughout this pregnancy!

  6. Grace

    Glad I came across this. My case is vanishing twin, I lost one during my 8th week. All the things you mentioned are happening to me at once that I get confused and feel guilty. You’re right though in choosing joy because I still have a life growing in me but I also allowed myself to grieve my loss.

    • ashleybbass

      Grace, I’m so sorry for your loss. I imagine carrying their sibling must bring all kinds of mixed emotions. My heart feels for you. Keep moving forward for the life living inside of you. I’m sure this will make you an even stronger and more loving mommy.

      • Melita

        Its a Choice – this is what God spoke me about after our second loss, it resinated with me then as I choose to worship him in the midst of pain and allowed his healing to take place.
        But after i fell pregnant again, fear crept back in and i choose to leave in fear and doubt – my husband always remind me of God’s word on how we should have joy even in this preganacy, I struggle to even pray for the baby, my husband is the one who speak to the baby, and the baby response to him. I thank God that i came across this, thank you for writing this.I choose to be joyfull today, not sure how i am going to do it but because its a choice, I choose to be joyful.

        • Ashley

          Melita, thank you for your comment! I’m encouraged by your story. It’s ok to let yourself enjoy this baby too. Enjoy every moment you share with each little one you have, even if it is only brief. Fight the fear and choose joy!

  7. Emma Tellng

    This is such a lovely post. I too have had two losses so far. My first was at 23 weeks, where I was lucky enough to see and hold my beautiful little girl, albeit just for a short while. Three years after loosing Annie, I had another miscarriage at 6 weeks.
    I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago. Then on Thursday evening I started bleeding and cramping.
    I thought that was the end again. However, when I got to the hospital the found the little heartbeat. Yesterday, however, the bleeding became much heavier and cramps were agony. I’m terrified I’ve lost another little one.

    • ashleybbass

      Emma, thank you for reading and for sharing your story. It’s so heartbreaking to hear about your losses. I can’t imagine your fear going into this pregnancy, especially having such scary symptoms again. I’ve been in prayer for you. I’d love to know how you are doing. Remember you are a strong mother to all of your babies, for however long they may have lived in this world. You will always be their mama and they will always be loved.

  8. Heather

    Thank you for this post. I am pregnant with my second after a miscarriage in July. Today I am 7w5d, which is when I started spotting with my last. I have my first appointment Wednesday, 8w and when my miscarriage truly STARTED. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since since that second line pop up – OVERJOYED for this little love and TERRIFIED of a repeat. And I’m struggling with the due date coming up (3/11).

    I’m choosing JOY every single day, I’m telling my three year old about all of her little brother or sister’s milestones as each week passes.

    Thank you for sharing your story, it’s helping to bring me peace as I go through the next few days and remember that this pregnancy is different from my last. Thank you <3

    • ashleybbass

      Heather, congratulations on your new sweet baby! Thank you for sharing. Remember that it is perfectly ok to be a little heartbroken at the same time as experiencing all the joy of being pregnant. Your heart is big enough to be Mama to all of your little ones, even the one that is no longer on earth.

  9. I am so glad I came across this post! I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in May 2017. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again since, and we just found out a week ago that I’m pregnant again! (On my birthday, nonetheless!) Due in November 2018. I’m obviously SO overjoyed and SO excited. But, I also am absolutely terrified of suffering another loss, and I’ve definitely felt myself holding back somewhat this time. Some days are better than others. I try to just let go and trust God with this pregnancy, whatever His will. But some days, I get caught up in my fear. Other days, I’m able to choose joy, and to relish every moment of this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • ashleybbass

      Abby, congratulations! It’s so exciting to hear about new life. I’m so sorry for your loss. Remember that your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. If you’re sad, it’s ok to be sad. And when you’re thrilled, there’s no guilt in that. You are Mama to both of these babies and you have enough heart to hold them both. I wish you the very best as you and your family grow.

  10. Jacqueline

    I’m currently 19 weeks along with our second boy. This is my third pregnancy to make it this far. Our son is almost four years old. In August of ‘17 my husband and I had to make the heart wrenching decision to terminate my pregnancy for medical reasons. I was 19 weeks along when we made that choice. Our daughter would have been born is January.

    I became pregnant again very soon, and we are so incredibly thrilled to be expecting this little boy. I still grieve for the loss of our daughter; we both do, my husband and I. Grieving is a process.

    • ashleybbass

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Jacqueline. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to find joy in your pregnancy.

  11. Cynthia

    Hi.. Thank you for this.. I had an ovarian cancer at 16 years old and wasn’t supposed to be able to have children… EVER… I only have 1/4 of an ovary left. My husband and I were very suprised when we got our first son Eli. He is now 4 years old and he’s amazing. We tried to give him a little brother, Loïc, but we lost him when I was 21 weeks pregnant on 2015/12/18. We tried again.. We lost our little girl Charlotte when I was 21 weeks pregnant again on 2016/12/16… Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I try really hard not to be afraid… I pray.. I meditate… But every little ”cramp like” sensation or weird feeling I’m scared.. I know that this is not in my control.. But I don’t know how I would survive an other loss.. (Sorry for my English, I’m a French Canadian)

    • ashleybbass

      Wow. Thank you for sharing your story, Cynthia. It’s heartbreaking, but I know it will encourage everyone who reads it. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such loss. You are a good mama to all of your babies. I wish you the very best with this pregnancy. Keep us posted.

  12. Jess

    Thanks for your story. My husband and I lost a little one at 9 weeks this past October 2017. We had no idea it had even happened because I had a missed miscarriage and didn’t find out until we went to hear the heartbeat and there was none. It was heartbreaking. I’m now currently pregnant with our second and there are nerves everyday but I’m trying to remain hopeful and I ask God each and everyday to help my fears. We go on Monday for the anatomy ultrasound. Thanks so much again for sharing your story, stories like yours are what give me courage, hope, and remind me in hard times and good times to lean on God.

    • ashleybbass

      Jess, I’m so sorry for your loss. Somehow, believe it will help you grow into an even more strong and compassionate mother. Your babies are blessed to have you for however long they are with you. Thinking of you as you prepare for your ultrasound tomorrow!

  13. Mandy

    I lost my beautiful twin boys at 24 weeks. I am currently attending therapy to help me deal with the grieving process. I had the privilege to hold them and kiss them hallo and goodbye. This is by far the hardest thing we had to go through. I deeply miss them everyday. We are trying to become pregnant again but no luck yet. However I know that all will happen in God’s perfect timing. I am already praying for my anxiety levels for my future pregnancies. Its so sad to see that there is so many woman that goes through this. So sorry to read about everyones’ losses. xx

    • ashleybbass

      Mandy, I cannot imagine your pain. I’m so sorry. You are so strong to keep trying and praying. Those boys are blessed to have you as their mommy. Forever. And your future babies will be too. Don’t give up.

  14. Ana

    I guess it’s no coincidence that I would come across your blog now. I recently lost our second child on March 14, 2018….her (well we don’t know for sure it was a girl but I felt it was) due date was 10/31/18. I have a son who is 3 and keep trying to remind myself that God has already given me a special miracle here on heaven that I need to continue to treasure. I pray that God may bless us with another miracle, but I am thankful for my 2 babies. Having a miscarriage was one of my biggest fears, especially since we struggle to conceive. I thank you so much for sharing your story, and sending love and encouragement to other mama’s facing the same tragedies. I have been blessed by other women who have stepped in and shared their hearts and stories with me, have prayed for myself and my husband, and encouraged us. I have been hurt, mad, and numb. But I have cried out to God more now that I think I have in a long time. Trying to focus on the path he has set for myself and my family. Thank you for your heart!

  15. Abbey

    I am 27 weeks pregnant. Our first child was born with Congenital heart disease. As I read your blog, I realized that I am not alone. It feels different if you know that someone will understand you. Thank you for sharing your story. On Tuesday we will be having Congenital Anomaly Scan. Please pray for me and my baby. God bless you and your family! ❤️

  16. Sarah

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have lost 4 of my babies, two miscarriages and two ectopic, all between 6 and 10 weeks. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby so far, but I feel very disconnected from this baby. I feel like I can’t get attached, and any time I try to reach out to him or plan for his birth, some part of me shuts down saying “don’t say that, don’t think thst, it will only hurt more if something happens.” I want to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy because it’s what I wished and cried and prayed for for so long, and these sad, scared, and empty feelings I have makes me feel like something us6 wrong with me. I haven’t seen a lot of stuff out there about experiencing a pregnancy after a loss and all the different emotions that come with it so I was very grateful to come across your blog. It’s nice to know that I am not alone, and that we can get through these hard times and feelings. Thank you.

    • ashleybbass

      Sarah, thank you for sharing your story too. I’m so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Your feelings are real and it is ok to feel them. Your babies are blessed with a mother who loves them with everything she has. That includes the hurt that you’ve experienced. Healing will come and you will have so much joy to share with your baby.

  17. Natosha

    Thank you for posting this. I’m also pregnant now with my fourth. My first Daniel is 14, our second Blane was stillborn, and third was a miscarriage and two years later I’m 7 weeks. And you’re so right I feel cautious but I want to be excited but also don’t want to be let down it’s so hard. But I’ve been praying a lot that s time. And we haven’t told anybody at first I didn’t even tell my husband at first I didn’t tell him until 10 days after I found out I guess I was trying to make sure everything was okay at first because my first son is from a previous relationship so he thinks it’s his fault cause of the the stillborn and miscarriage even though we had genetic testing done and the doctors said it wasn’t anything we did wrong or genetics it was just something that happened. So now we’re just trying to take it one day at a time and some days are happy and some days are worry some and scary.

    • ashleybbass

      Natosha, I’m so sorry for your losses. That is absolutely heartbreaking. But praise God for the baby inside of you! I’m glad that you told your husband so that you can go through this hard time together. Try to let yourself be excited, even if you’re scared too. You are a great mama. You can do this.

  18. Mary L

    This. This is exactly what I was looking for as I am devastated after losing our first pregnancy at 7 weeks. How can I go on? How can I enjoy a pregnancy after this? Choose joy! Yes! You are right! I too have always felt that I was always meant to be a mother and that in some way I have always been a mother. So it completely wrecked me when that was taken away. We want to try again and I am struggling with letting go of all the anger that is inside me right now. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • ashleybbass

      Mary, I’m so glad to know that my story encouraged you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your heartbreak is so real. Remember that to grieve for one child doesn’t mean you won’t also have room to love another with all of your heart. You are and will be an amazing mom.

  19. Mary

    Hi, I ‘m Mary. I have never been pregnant before now, and am currently 13 weeks. I have never lossed a child, and for that I am grateful. However I have endured countless negative pregnancy tests over the past 7 years, endless fertility treatments, the feeling of failure, and a diagnosis of severe PCOS. I came to simply accept that pregnancy was something not ever meant for me.

    Three years ago, we were given the chance to adopt a baby boy yet to be born. We were exstatic, and overjoyed. Half way through our birth mothers pregnancy, she changed her mind. I don’t think I had ever been more devastated, especially right before Christmas. We chastised ourselves for being so hopeful, for dreaming, and planning. We felt like we were being punished for being so naive. So when she changed her mind yet again, we didn’t get our hopes up, we just went through the motions. Even as he was placed in my arms I didn’t let myself get attached, even after the 24 hour wait period was over, I still felt detached, waiting for someone to name me a thief and take him from me. I was protecting myself, and I knew it. I just couldn’t handle another heartbreak, it would have broken me. It wasn’t until my son was three month old and after we took him to be blessed in our temple that I finally felt I was his mother, and not a glorified baby sitter. I finally allowed myself to own the fact that I was and forever would be his momma.

    Fast forward three years later and unexpectedly 13weeks pregnant. If it wasn’t for the ultrasounds I could easily forget I am pregnant. Not because I want to, but because I am scared. Most people with my severity of condition lose their first pregnancy. It’s hard to let myself imagine holding this baby, or imagine my son holding it. I am scared to enjoy this pregnancy for fear I might lose it. The worst part is I didn’t realize I was doing it this time. I didn’t know my head was protecting my heart.
    I am aware now. Now that I am almost finished with the hardest and riskiest part, I am hoping to intentionally enjoy it, and allow myself to dream. I want to feel love and joy when, not if, but when my baby is born. I don’t want to still be afaid. I will do my best to dream of my baby, because I am the mother of this baby, no matter how long.

    There is always joy, even admist pain.

    • ashleybbass

      Mary, thank you so much for reading my story and sharing yours. Your heart for your baby is so encouraging and I know your love is wrapping around the little one inside of you with every moment. I know the fear you are feeling. It’s ok to feel it. But I encourage you to enjoy every moment with your baby, no matter what the outcome may be. You wont regret that. But I’m sure you will be holding your darling baby soon and all of the pain and waiting will have been worth it.

  20. Andee

    Hi! I am 24. My first daughter will be turning 6 in 2 and a half weeks. And yesterday was the one year after losing my second daughter. I was 20 weeks pregnant when we lost her. Had her name picked out and everything. My husband and I have finally agreed to try again, but I am just as nervous as I am excited. I hope I get to have my rainbow baby. And I hope all mothers who have gone through a loss get their rainbow baby if they want!

    • ashleybbass

      Andee, thank you so much for your comment. I hope this post was able to encourage you to push through the hard part. It will be difficult. It just will. But giving life to your next little one will be a way to honor the life of the baby you have lost. Don’t let fear create more loss for you. You are strong! I hope you are able to choose joy!

  21. Kay

    i read all of these stories and gosh heart breaks..i had my first still birth at 26, got pregnant 3months later after 11 years try again..loss my son on friday at 31 heart loss devastated..think i may try again but lord..the good in all this is that God has been faithful..he has been mu strenght like no other. my husband and I are preparing for our son burial its bitter sweet..please pray for us..its really dark at this moment

    • ashleybbass

      Kay, thank you for reading and sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. Continue trusting in the Lord. He will continue to be faithful. I will be praying for you and your husband during this extremely hard time.

  22. Ashley

    4 days ago I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I have always found out much earlier. I was 12 days late before I realized I was late. Who does that? I guess a busy mom of three who homeschools and runs a business with their husband. I had a miscarriage Memorial Day 2017. That would have been my fourth child. It devastated me more than I could ever imagine. My body thought it was pregnant for 11 weeks when in reality I was carrying an empty sac. I had morning sickness, fatigue, sore boobs, cravings. It was like my body lied to me. I grieved for an entire year. Gained 30 pounds and was emotional every time a diaper commercial came on. It really surprised me that after having three kids that a miscarriage would affect me so much. Memorial Day this year I decided that a year of grieving was enough and I needed to pull myself out of my depression. I lost that 30 pounds in 2.5 months. And BAM!!!!! PREGNANT! Now I am terrified. I am happy but terrified. Every time I pee I look for blood. Every cramp in my uterus has me holding my breath. My due date is two years from the miscarriage…May 31. I’m debating on whether I want to go to the doctor earlier or wait a little longer and just keep taking my prenatal pills, eat healthy, walk everyday, and just pray until I reach 10 to 13 weeks. I want to feel joyful and imagine the day I give birth but something in me is holding my breath. I can’t do this for the next 7 months. I hope God will give me peace about this pregnancy.

    • ashleybbass

      Ashley, thank you so much for sharing this. I am so very sorry. That pain is just so unlike any other. You are a STRONG mama! Choosing to step out of that darkness and do the work to get healthy proves that you ARE able to do hard things. You can do this. It is so normal to have those fears and the checking for blood thing is also super normal. I did that all the way through all 3 of my pregnancies (including the 2nd loss) after my first miscarriage. Don’t feel shame or guilt for how you are feeling. But keep working hard by choosing joy. Pray for grace and peace. Ask God to sustain you through every day of this pregnancy, however many days that may be. Either way, you are your baby’s mama now and forever and that is something worth finding joy in!

  23. Lindsay S

    Thank you for sharing your story. I found out this morning that I am now pregnant for the 6th time, my 7th child. Already the fear has crept in so prayers are much appreciated!!

    1st – Henry Ray born and lost at 17 weeks
    2nd – Schaeffer Renae, my beautiful 4yo rainbow
    3rd – Kamden Alan & Kohen Wesley born and lost at 30 weeks
    4th – 7 week miscarriage
    5th – Holland River, my beautiful 1yo rainbow

    Praying this rainbow baby inside of me continues to grow and flourish!!

    • ashleybbass

      Wow, Lindsay, your story is so powerful. Both heartbreaking and encouraging for mothers who know similar pain. I’m so sorry for your losses, but so excited for your news! Congratulations. Thank you for sharing your story.

  24. Dee

    I’m scared to try again. I’m 40yrs old, have a 3yr old son & recently lost a baby at 11wks gestation. I’ve never felt such sadness. We want to try again, but with this loss & my age, I’m really scared. I love what you wrote…”look at my son and remember that my body does know what to do and that it can do it again.” My son is what is really getting me through this sadness. If it’s not in God’s plan to give us another child, I know I am truly blessed to have my lil boy. I’m taking this loss day by day & at times, moment by moment. I do have support from my husband, family & friends, especially those who have also experienced similar loss. Even with the support, it’s still hard when I have my moments of grief & tears. I appreciate all the other mamas who have written about their experiences because that helps give me strength to get through this & courage to try again.

    • ashleybbass

      Dee, I’m so sorry. I know how confusing and challenging it can be to hope for another baby while also trying to simply cherish the little one you’ve been blessed with. Try not to put a time limit on your mourning. Even in a future pregnancy, your heart will still ache for what could have been. And that’s not a bad thing. Enjoy your sweet son and give yourself lots of grace moving forward. You’re a precious mama.

  25. Thank you for your post! It was really encouraging! I had an early miscarriage at 5 weeks back in October. I have a lot of health problems and my body struggled to recover from the loss. Emotionally I was at a low. I started to feel guilty that loosing this child affected me so much. But friends and family have encouraged me in saying that was my child and already a bond that would be heard to break…My husband and I decided to try again, afraid to waste a chance, and I got pregnant immediately. I am now 4 1/2 weeks, nearing the time when I misscarried last time. God has given me a great peace about this pregnancy, but there are times when the fear kicks back in. I’m consntantly praying that I can keep this baby.

    • ashleybbass

      Chaniece, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that heartbreak too well. Congratulations on your new pregnancy! You will be an amazing mama to this baby. Trust what your body is capable of! Keep on praying and trusting. Your story is beautiful and it’s making you strong.

  26. I really needed to read this today. 17 days ago our daughter (our first child) was stillborn. I made it through my entire pregnancy with a healthy little girl. At 40 weeks and 5 days I went into labor naturally. When I arrived at the hospital she was healthy. We developed an acute and severe infection during labor that resulted in an emergency c-section after 24 hours of labor. In the end our little girl Finley did not survive. I did not know grief of this magnitude existed. My husband and I plan to try again once I’m healed. The doctor says I have to wait 9 months. That timeline is agonizing. I enjoyed my pregnancy so much and I am clinging to those joys and love that Finley brought us but I am so scared I won’t have that with our next. Reading this post and the comments has given me some hope. Thank you.

    • ashleybbass

      Ashley, I have no words. I cannot believe you had to go through such a devastating loss. It seems so unfair. But you’re right, there IS hope. I connected with a woman through this post who went through a stillbirth. She pressed on through her grief was able to find hope and healing. She recently gave birth to a healthy baby. Your sweet Finley will always be a part of you and you will be an even stronger mother to her siblings because of your story. Praying for you.

  27. Sally

    This really settled my heart and mind a lot. I met my boyfriend (one of those times you just know you’ve met THE ONE) and very shortly after we found out we we’re going to be parents. Although we had only been together for a short time, we had discussed having children fairly soon because we were both ready and just hadn’t found the right person (until now❤️). We contained our excitement between the two of us, even agreed on names, and tried to patiently wait for my doctors appointment that was scheduled for 3 weeks after I called. Less than a week later I started bleeding & had immense back pain. although I’d never experienced it before, my intuition told me exactly what was happening: I was losing this sweet baby. ER doctors confirmed my suspicions: an ectopic pregnancy close to rupture that required me to go under surgery and have my left tube removed. I remember screaming and my boyfriend just holding me as my doctor spewed the words id grow to hate “you’re so young you can try again”.
    I’d find out three short months later, she was right.
    I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby and we could not be more thrilled & terrified (both in equal amounts) .I’ve had blood draws that show my HCG level doubling, which is reassuring, but we go for our first ultrasound this Friday and we will hear the heartbeat and finally confirm the right placement of the fetus.
    I cannot wait to share the news with my family and friends. Also I cant believe I shared this on a forum before telling anyone ?, but I know there might be someone in my shoes at some point and my comment may give them hope.

    • ashleybbass

      Sally, thanks so much for sharing your story. You’re right! Sharing is such an amazing way to encourage others who need hope. I’m so sorry for your loss and the struggle you went through. You are a brave mama. Congratulations on the little one in your belly!

  28. Kelly Auwerda

    Thank you so much for sharing! On November 26, I was 37 weeks along with my first born. I was going for my last appointment/ultrasound before I was supposed to be induced on December 9. It was a perfect pregnancy. Every week including a week before his heart was always so strong and healthy. That morning I saw his heart no longer beating. My world was shattered. I didn’t realize until that moment I haven’t felt him since the night before during church. My husband got to feel his last kick 💙 I gave birth to him the next morning November 27 at 7:49. It has been a rollercoaster since than but everyday God shows me something that makes me feel so positive for our next baby. We are hoping to be getting pregnant in the few months but giving it all to God. It will happen in His timing ❤️

    • ashleybbass

      Wow, Kelly, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine such a shocking heartbreak. You are a strong woman and your body will heal and give life to your sweet baby’s sibling. Continue to choose joy and have faith in He who is faithful.

  29. Michelle

    Thank you so much for this post! I had an early miscarriage but he or she was baby…. I’m currently 5 weeks 2 days and am nervous…anytime I have a tiny cramp, or when I’m not nauseous…I am terrified…so thank you for this.

    • ashleybbass

      Michelle, I totally understand. You are not alone! I hope you’re able to find a balance of mourning and joy as you prepare to meet your newest little one. Thank you for sharing your story!

  30. Maegan

    Thank you for sharing this. We lost our first baby that we were extremely excited for and planned every little thing for his or her life as soon as we found out. We prayed over my belly everyday. After seven months of being fully broken we are starting to try again. But I was worried. I truly did not know how to cope for when I did get pregnant again. I chose to dwell in my sadness. Don’t regret it because I had to figure it out. We lost our child. I had a right to be sad. Thank you for reminding me to pray and give all my fear and doubt to God. When the time comes and I see those two lines again I will try to be happy as the first pregnancy and not be scared.

    • ashleybbass

      Maegan, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right! God can definitely bring healing as we mourn. Your next baby will be just as loved as your first. Pregnancy after loss is so hard, but there IS joy in it! You can do this!

  31. Anna

    Thank you for this post. We just lost our baby boy a week ago at 20 weeks. I went into labor and didn’t know it and the doctors couldn’t do anything to stop it and he wasn’t going to survive. It is hard not to think my body has failed, but hearing other women’s stories, and knowing they were able to have healthy babies afterword, helps.

    • ashleybbass

      Anna, I’m so sorry. Your loss is so fresh and heart-wrenching. Your baby will always be yours. You will always be his mama. And you will go on to have his siblings and be an amazing mama to them too. Your grief is real. We are with you.

  32. Megs

    Thanks so much for this article, it really resonated with me. My husband and I got married in Oct 2017 (second marriage for both of us) and started trying right away. I didn’t even think it would happen quick but after four months we were pregnant. We were so excited that we told friends and family right away and also put it on social media the next week – not even entertaining the idea that anything could go wrong. Just before the 6 weeks mark I started spotting and knew something was wrong. I was admitted to hospital and spent my weekend bleeding and seeing our dream fade away. I couldn’t believe it happened to me as there was no history of miscarriage in my family and my husband already had a daughter of 9 years old. Everyone kept telling us to try again and that many women fall pregnant again the next month. Others told us “not to think about it” which is the worst advice in my opinion because there’s no way I could shut off those thoughts, it was constantly in my mind every month. As time went by I started to get despondent that we’re too old and it won’t happen (I’m 37 and my husband is 43). I researched a lot and tried different supplements that worked for others. We finally decided that we would try for 3 more months and then return to my dr for tests and the way forward. This month I just had a feeling that it might be it and bought some tests. I never test early, always wait for a missed period but this time I tested on 12dpo and it was positive! We haven’t told anyone yet – will tell the family this weekend when we visit them. Social media will only be posted after 12 weeks this time. I felt so “humiliated” the first time when I posted too soon and later when people asked about my pregnancy to have to tell them I had a miscarriage. This time it still doesn’t feel completely real and I’m also struggling to allow myself the joy of the first time. I keep thinking that if we can make it past 6 weeks this time and see a heartbeat on the ultrasound when I have my first appointment at 8 weeks then I can start to relax…

    • ashleybbass

      Oh, Megs, thank you for sharing this. Your struggle is genuine and I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been through. Congratulations on your newest little one. You are and will always be Mommy to them both. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes naturally. There is no wrong way to experience this. Just grieve and enjoy simultaneously the best way you can. Also, try to enjoy these first few weeks of “secret” time with your baby. It’s such a special time that will be gone before you know it. Best to you and your family, Mama, you can do this.

  33. Jennyyy

    Sorry, but this is going to be long.
    I really needed to read this now. My partner and I got pregnant two years ago, and we were thrilled even though we didn’t actually plan for it to happened. I got to the 12 weeks mark, but everyone around us new because I didn’t really know how common miscarriages was. I was also 21 years old, and very healthy so even my doctor said that my body couldn’t have been more ready for a pregnancy and that it would probably go very smoothly. Two weeks later at 14 weeks I started to bleed. Not much, but I instantly knew that something wasn’t right. I called my midwife, but she was on vacation and doctors at the hospital just kept on telling me that nothing was wrong and that there was no need for me to come to the hospital or to even call the doctors. They also told me that I was just being another hysterical pregnant lady. Of course I didn’t believe them, but what can you do? I ordered an appointment the next day at a private clinic, and the ultrasound showed that my baby´s heart had stopped beating when it was 10 weeks old, but my body didn’t understand it and that’s why it didn’t respond when he died. I was devastated, angry, hurt and kept cursing god for taking my heart away. Later that night I was sent to the same hospital that had turned me away the night before, because I was in so much pain. I still struggle to have faith in the doctors at that hospital, because even though they obviously couldn’t have done anything to save my baby, they still could have let me know the same day I called them, instead of not believing in me and giving me false hope that it was totally normal.
    It still puts me off when people ask me if I have any children or if somebody asks me why me and my partner haven’t had any yet. Even though I never held my baby, I was and still is his mom, but I have been told that I can’t say that I am a mom because of the fact that I never even held him. That completely breaks my heart.

    Thats two years ago and we haven’t tried to have another baby, but I’m currently late. I should have gotten my period 2 weeks ago, and I think I might be pregnant again. I’m completely terrified that I have to go through the same thing over again, and are struggling to let my sholders down and just trust that God knows what he’s doing. At the same time, i´m super excited, and filled with joy. I really dont know how to just be at ease and trust in god, but ill do my very best.

    • ashleybbass

      Jenny, your story is heartbreaking. But your strength helps give hope to others who are struggling, so thank you for sharing. You are absolutely a mother right along with so many women who have been in your place or similar places. It’s impossible to understand if you haven’t been through it. But you are not alone. If you are pregnant now, congratulations. It will be a challenge, but trust in your body’s ability to grow a healthy, full-term baby. It’s ok to mourn your first as you grow to love your second. You can do this, Mama.

  34. Kristi

    I can’t begin to say how familiar your story is. My husband and I had struggled 2 years to get pregnant. Multiple tests, medications, surgery… but finally we had our own miracle on the way. The feeling was indescribable but in the blink of an eye we were miscarrying. I curled up for days drowning in sadness and felt completely alone. 6 mths later we were pregnant again. Our sweet rainbow baby. I cherished every moment whether it was sickness or joy. We had few complications and I felt that was well deserved after waiting 3 years. One year later we became pregnant again and in the ink of an eye she was here without a hiccup. Needless to say we thought we were in the clear. Stick with our regimen and we’ll be set. Fast forward an additional year and we were pregnant again. We were over joyed. Especially since two of my sister-in-laws and my twin sister were pregnant. What a dream to have 4 babies at once. We have always proceeded with caution when sharing our pregnancies after our first miscarriage. Guarding our hearts for sure. Unfortunately, after telling family at 11 weeks we miscarried a second time. I was at a loss. I felt like God was playing some cruel joke on me. Months went by and my 3 nieces were born. It was hard, harder then I imagined it would be. And I can’t help to wonder what others think. Oh she has two babies it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. We’ll never hold our baby. Two months after what would have been our baby’s due date we found out we’re pregnant again. I can’t help but sit here at 12 weeks into our pregnancy and fear the worst. This is our 5th pregnancy and we can only hope and pray that October will come and we’ll get to hold this little one. I realize the fact we haven’t told people yet is bc I’m scared. I’m scared that we’ll have to retract. But why? Either way those who love and support us will be there regardless of what Monday’s ultrasound shows. Reading your message gives me comfort in what I already knew. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • ashleybbass

      Kristi, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your losses. It is a new and heart-wrenching experience with each loss. And don’t worry about what other people may think. I’ve found that people who haven’t experienced it simply cannot understand or they are too afraid to say anything at all. But you are not alone. There are so many of us who do understand what you’re going through. Congratulations on your new pregnancy! I wish you and your family the very best as you grieve and celebrate at the same time.

  35. Debi

    Oh my gosh. These stories have made my heart ache and given me hope at the same time! I am currently 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. This is my 3rd pregnancy, the first 2 ended in loss. I miscarried the first time 10 years ago. I found out that I was pregnant with my husband at the time. I went to my 10 week appointment and they couldn’t find a heart beat. I was measuring only 7 weeks along. My doctor was hoping that I maybe I was wrong about when we conceived. So he had me scheduled a vaginal ultrasound 3-4 weeks later. The baby had stopped growing but my body didn’t recognize it. The ultrasound confirmed no heart beat so I was scheduled for D&C. The whole thing left a huge emotional scares and left me with changes with my body that I had to get used to. In November of 2018 I became pregnant again with my now husband. But miscarried within weeks. The fetus had implanted between my ovary and tube. I bleed for weeks before finally seeing my doctor. That day I got confirmation of a positive pregnancy and also was told to go to the ER immediately. After being evaluated and prepped for emergency surgery, the doctor decided that my body was taking care of the miscarriage on it’s own and I had lucked out and not lost my tube in the process. Because of that situation, I was scheduled for bloodwork twice, a few days apart, and an early vaginal ultrasound. We did the ultrasound yesterday along with the second round of bloodwork. This baby is implanted in my uterus and the tech found it right away. We even got to watch it’s tiny little heart flicker away on the screen. I partly feel relieved to see that this baby is thriving but I’m still scared of what can happen. I want to plan and buy a few things but I’m scared to since it’s still too early. I want to be excited and happy but I feel like I’m just hold my breath and waiting.

  36. Lindsay

    I honestly needed to read this because I’ve struggled a lot during this pregnancy to feel happy or joyful like I know I should. I am happy but scared at the same time as I’ve been through a lot of losses and even though I’m 33 weeks I still have that fear that something will happen. Especially when I feel certain familiar pains that meant something bad is happening, I’ve heard it twice in my life that there was no heartbeat at 13 weeks. Although my last miscarriage was a year ago it still feels like yesterday I heard those devastating words, I honestly thought I was being punished and that I had something wrong in my life for god to keep hurting me like that. I couldn’t understand but after getting a new doctor and with the help of her I will soon have my rainbow baby, I am 34 weeks today so that means in 6 weeks he’ll finally be here. 7 miscarriages later and I finally get my wish.
    But you are right I have to choose joy more then fear and it’s definitely a struggle but it’s something I must do.

  37. Valery

    I’m currently pregnant for the third time, I’ve just found out this week. My first girl will be four in October. My second baby died in february and I gave birth to him on February 17th after finding out that his heart stopped. It was one of the worst lost I’ve experienced in my life. It devastated me. It brought the worst aspects in me. I struggled with a depression and I’m just starting to get better. Your words mean a lot right now and I will try to find the most joy possible in my life. I know it will be important also to try to connect with this new life growing inside me. Thank you for this article.

  38. Rachel

    I am on pregnancy number 5 currently and at 13.5 weeks. Have a doctor’s appointment next week. If good news I am finally ready to announce my pregnancy since that was the appointment I found my secound miscarriage happened. But starting at the beginning we tried to get pregnant for 6 months and finally got our positive and brought that lovely little one to the world healthy and happy. Then a year later tried for baby number 2. First try positive test, then found out at 12 week appointment missed miscarriage. Started bleeding the day before and passed the baby that night naturally. Then waited three cycles tried again and success. That was my 15 week appointment missed miscarriage that turned out to additionally be a partial molar pregnancy. So miscarriage with a cancer risk kicker. Waited 6 months after my zero reading for HCG. Then again tried and success to lose the baby at 6 weeks. Then kind of by accident got pregnant again that first cycle. So now waiting a week to hear my littles heart and feel finally the sigh of no guarantee but at least a very good chance. I know others say 10 or 12 weeks, but my body keeps trying to be pregnant as long as it can and I don’t get a lot of symptoms till weeks later. Hoping I. Calmer after that check up but know when I can feel little kicking that will help. I think this is the hardest part for me at least because you start to lose your symptoms but you are sposta so how do you know if your losing the baby or just happily going along. Still am only writing the due date and tentative doctor dates in pencil but hoping I can pen them in soon. I miss the just happy pregnancy I had with my first. The everything is fine and will be fine. Telling ally close friends and family with my first pregnancy test not waiting for my third appoinent and even then with the caviot that I might have to retract it even then. Doesn’t help I have a old co-worker that has had a miscarriage or still birth about the same time as my losses, hers being farther along. Proving the safe come doesn’t exist. It also breaks my heart that I wanted 1.5 years apart and if everything is good I am looking at 3.25. by now I thought I would have two and be carrying number 3.

  39. Lauren

    Thank you for writing this & for everyone sharing their stories. My husband & I have had 3 uneventful pregnancies with the last resulting in our sweet boy/girl twins who just turned 4 in May. We waited until Mother’s Day (2019) to tell everyone we were expecting another set of boy/girl twins (di/di, just like last time). Everyone was ecstatic & we felt so blessed. I was so lonely living and working away from my husband and our kids (a temporary situation that we had planned to end in 2020) having those sweet babies inside me made me feel so close to God, my husband & my family, even though we were far apart. On June 6th I went for my anatomy scan. The worst day I have lived thus far; when I saw the placentas looking like a large cloud crushing down on my beautiful babies, I knew they were gone. The ultrasound tech immediately said she had some concerns and had to go talk to the Dr. I ran immediately out of the room to throw up in the bathroom. My Mom was with me & had two 3rd trimester losses of her own between me and my sister, she was just if not more devistated than I was. The twins were declared demises & I was induced with them on Saturday June the 8th. They were beautiful and gave me so much joy while I had them with me. I thank God for them, I only wish that I could have protected them from the infection that crossed the placenta and invaded their perfect world.

  40. Kat

    I am on pregnancy number 3 and 6 weeks in, the first to have shown any symptoms prior to 8 weeks I am terrified that this one will end in a loss due to the first to being lost at 8 and 9 weeks respectively but the baby being due on my grandmothers birthday gives me hope that this will be a healthy 9mths. Truly anointed by God! This article has warmed my heart and now I know to choose joy…. I have been for the most part but knowing I’m on the right track instinctively, it helps

  41. Macy

    My husband and I lost our first child two years ago to a miscarriage. I never had felt a pain like that. It crushed me, and it crushed me even more to see the hurt in my husbands eyes.

    I found out on Father’s Day 2019 that we are expecting again! For one week, I have been poked three times with great HCG and progesterone levels- but the fear and anxiety are like a dark storm cloud over us. I’ve found myself day after day, looking for signs and answers about this pregnancy. Can my body do this? Should I get my hopes up? I spend countless hours on the internet researching and reading whatever I find. I spend most of my days praying. I know I’m not alone, yet I feel so alone.

  42. Tamara

    Thank you so much for sharing this story. I use to think that I was alone, anxiety triggers. I had a chemical pregnancy in February a day after I found out I was 3 weeks pregnant. My nurse called me four days before the chemical and asked me to take a test because of my progesterone levels being so high, long story short I have PCOS. So I took the test and I saw a faint line. I was freaking out a little but the second line was there. I called my nurse back and told her that it was a positive but the line was faint. The next day I went to the lab to get the blood test so that it will give me either a negative or positive pregnancy. It was positive and I was in shock because it took my husband and I 7 months to finally have our baby! My nurse wanted me to take a second blood test to see if my levels went up. That same day after I got my positive, I started to bleed but light. The next day, it went from light to heavy. My nurse called me back and told me that my levels had dropped and I had a chemical pregnancy. My due date would have been Nov 14, 2019. I decided to skip a month to clear my mind because I didn’t want to be overly stressed. We tried again in April and I didn’t get a BFP until June 30th. The lines showed up in like 2 seconds. I do miss my first baby but I know that my second baby will share the same love that I had with my first. I am four weeks and 5 days with baby #2 and I will have my second blood test tomorrow! Thank you again!

  43. Hallie

    I just found out I’m pregnant for the second time. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage at only 6 weeks. I’m too scared to tell anyone, including my husband. The pregnancy is still very early (5 weeks), but we’ve been TTC for 3.5 years, and during this time we’ve only been pregnancy once, which resulted in the miscarriage. I’m scared to be excited or even acknowledge I’m pregnant, because I don’t know if I can handle another loss. This blog post helped me process my feelings, that I’m allowed to be happy, anxious, excited, nervous, and scared all at once. Thank you.

  44. Melanie

    Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful words. Your story brought me to tears and this article has touched me more than anything I have ever read. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I was absolutely devastated. I am now 12 weeks along in my 2nd pregnancy and it is so difficult to stay positive. The only thing that gets me through is seeing and hearing that little heartbeat at each ultrasound. Your words, your advice, your story have really lifted me up and really makes me realize how precious this pregnancy is and to not take any moment for granted. A miscarriage is such a lonely gut wrenching thing to go through so thank you for writing this to make women who have gone through one understand they are not alone. I am so excited to enjoy this pregnancy and everything that goes along with it. Thank you again I really feel like I needed to read your words.

  45. Kristen

    Thank you for sharing your story. I stumbled across your blog as I was searching Pinterest tonight for Rainbow Baby Pregnancy Announcements. I have two children already, ages 16 and 10 from previous relationships. However, my husband of almost 5 years and I decided about 2 1/2 years ago that we wanted to add another baby to our family. We conceived quickly and found out we were expecting in early January 2017. A few weeks later, just 2 days before our first ultrasound, I woke up feeling pretty nauseous and thought morning sickness was creeping it’s way into this pregnancy. I laid back down for a while and when I got back up to head in to take a shower, I passed out. I came too pretty quickly, but felt very weak. After a phone call to the doctor and about 2 hours, we called an ambulance to take me to the emergency room. When the paramedics arrived to our house, they couldn’t find my pulse or get my blood pressure. Once at the hospital, an ultrasound was done immediately, which determined that I had experienced a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was whisked into emergency trauma surgery that saved my life. While recovering in the hospital, I told my husband there was no way I wanted to try for another baby, but after a few weeks we decided we would try again. Since that January, we’ve lost 4 other babies. We’ve seen their hearts beat in ultrasound images, and then been crushed to see nothing in our follow up scan. We just found out this weekend that we are expecting again. Our 6th baby together. We have no idea what the future will hold for us or this sweet baby, but I feel so encouraged to love on this baby every day that I get to carry it, and to choose joy! Thanks again for sharing your positive outlook on this difficult topic.

  46. Cassie Bartels

    Thank you for sharing, this is exactly what I needed to read right now. My husband and I got married in July 2018 and (accidentally) got pregnant in September. We were nervous, scared, and anxious. We knew we wanted kids but not so soon, we felt like we weren’t ready. At about 6 weeks into the pregnancy I started cramping and bleeding…the doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage. I couldn’t help but feel guilty and feel like it was my fault. Did I not love the baby enough? Was it because I felt like it wasn’t the right time? Should I have changed my diet? So many different thoughts and emotions went through my head.

    Fast forward to March 2019, my husband and I took a vacation to Cozumel…had a little too much tequila one night and a month later we found out we were pregnant. This time was different though. I was happy, I was constantly smiling and thinking about what it would be like to hold our baby for the first time, and who it would turn out to be in life. And this time around I had all the pregnancy symptoms, morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, so I just felt like everything was going to be okay. We made it to our 8 week appointment with the Doctor and everything looked good! We were so excited we cleaned out our spare room and bought a rocker and crib, and starting thinking about what we wanted the nursery to look like, depending on the gender. Our 12 week appointment came to hear the heartbeat..the nurse came in with the doppler and moved it around for about 10 minutes saying “this early its still a little tricky to find.” Another nurse came in, used the doppler and said the same thing. Our doctor came in and did a stomach ultrasound, still couldn’t hear the heartbeat but she said the machine had been acting up. So she brought in the vaginal ultrasound, still no heartbeat. She confirmed that I had a “missed miscarriage” and I needed to come in the next day for a D&C. It was terrifying and heartbreaking. I never thought that I would be someone who would go through this type of pain ( I know, pretty naive of me).

    I have finally had a normal cycle since this happening in June and my husband and I are eager to try again. Im scared that it’s going to happen again. Im scared that if I do get pregnant I won’t be excited because I know what could happen. But I am hoping that with prayer and positivity the third time will be the charm.

    *I haven’t shared my story so I’m sorry for the long comment. This post just made me feel like I’m not alone and you would understand my story.”

  47. Jessica Ray

    We lost our first little boy at what was to be our 21 week check up. We went in to find out the gender and discovered our baby had died. May 15th and now we are 7 weeks pregnant I’m excited and so scared and I just bounce all over the place. I did get much time to heal from the loss pregnant two months later. This baby will be born March 30

  48. Ashley smith

    I wanted to share my story in hopes it may help someone somewhere know their not alone. Everyday I pray for those pregnant, trying to conceive, those who have angel babies or who have lost a child.
    It all started when I got two pink lines, not on one test or two but probably ten. I was in shock scared but yet I was excited, I always wanted 3-4 kids. I was so hesitant to break the news to my husband as I knew he did not want another child. He wouldn’t share the same joy with me. I wanted to tell everyone but I waited and waited, then decided at 9 weeks I was going to tell the world. This is my baby and if something happens I want support, I want everyone to know my baby and celebrate his life. I announced to my kids who were so excited and asked questions everyday. Every week we would see what size fruit the baby was and how he was growing. My son kissed my belly every night and said hi to the baby all the time. Joy filled our hearts as we talked about the baby, felt him kick, picked out baby stuff Toys and clothing. That joy quickly changed when I went in at 5 months for a routine ultra sound. I was going to take the kids but they ended up not wanting to come, hinted at my husband that wasn’t his thing. I wanted to share the experience with him but he didn’t come. I went to the appointment alone excited to see the little life growing inside me. I had counted down the days until I got to see him dancing, kicking and hiding like he usually did during ultra-sounds. My name was called and I jumped up, went into the room and hopped on the bed. The nurse asked if I wanted to know what I was having or if I knew. I proudly said “a boy”, I was excited I had everything ready for him, all his clothing washed and ready the only thing I was waiting for was his arrival. The nurse began the ultra sound and I looked at the screen in anticipation to see the jumping lines and hear the beautiful thumping noise of his heart beat. Straight lines appeared across the screen, my heart sank. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, maybe it was a dream. The nurse began measuring my still lifeless son and then went back to check for the heart beat again without saying a word to me. Then she said “something doesn’t look right I will be back I have to talk to the dr” Alone in the room for over 15 minutes my eyes flooded with tears, my heart broken, I was in shock I couldn’t even process what was going on. Two weeks ago, I saw him jumping around and watched his strong heartbeat, he has been kicking, surely it was a mistake. The nurse came in and asked me to go to my drs office he would meet me there, her face said it all. I left the room, went to the bathroom and fell to the ground crying. I tried to breathe but couldn’t, after a few minutes I went to my car to drive to my drs office. Walking into the office of happiness and babies, I wasn’t happy I was sad and felt broken. The nurse got me right back and the doctors assistant came in to talk to me. when she entered the room, she said “I guess you know what I’m going to tell you” yes, I did. Having her say out loud to me your son has passed and we don’t know why made it real. This is happening my son died. So many thoughts going through my head, was it something I did or didn’t do? was it the hike, picking up my kids or the one drink I had before I knew I was pregnant? How will I tell the world my body has failed and my baby passed? Then the assistant said do you have healthy kids? I cried harder and answered “yes” now thinking how will I tell my kids and my husband? They let me go home and told me my dr would call to set up a time for me to go to the hospital to be induced. I left the office and cried. I broke the news to my husband and went to work to do a few things before I went on leave. I went home, crawled in bed and just cried surrounded by baby blankets, boxes of clothes and a teddy bear my kids picked out for the baby. I hurt so bad I was physically sick, my head hurt my nose was chapped my eyes were swollen. I lost my Dad and Grandpa but it was a different hurt, then there were memories made I could hold onto. Right now my future, was being taken away from me aswelll as any first birthday, first steps or first words. Finally, my dr called and said to be at the hospital at 7am the following morning for induction. I couldn’t sleep, I had so many emotions. I felt broken, sad, scared but yet excited to hold my baby. I grabbed my hospital go bag and then decided to pack another bag. My heart couldn’t handle taking the outfit I picked to bring my baby home in out of the bag or the tiny little socks and fuzzy blanket. I didn’t know what to expect, I had two children but was this a procedure or would I deliver my baby, hold him and get to say good bye? I rested a few hours and then headed to the hospital to deliver my son. I arrived at the desk to check in and the lady said “what are you checking in for? it says here induction?” I said yes. She then said “oh sweetie you’re so small to be induced how lucky!” I wanted to come unglued, “lucky?” how is losing my child lucky? She sent me upstairs where a nurse met me and introduced herself. She took one look at my face which I’m sure said I haven’t slept, I’m sad, upset, scared and just broken. She said “let’s just start with I’m sorry and put her arm around me on the way to my room. She asked me questions got me settled in and was very comforting. We chatted and could relate in many ways, she was the sweetest lady and god defiantly knew I needed her. She tenderly asked what I wanted to do with my son, did I want to hold him and had I named him? I hadn’t put much thought into it as I was planning on taking him home, holding him and giving him the perfect name that I still had weeks left to decide on. I wasn’t prepared to plan a funeral, cremation or anything of the sort. The dr finally came and told me they were going to give me meds to dilate me and start contractions, it could take 1-2 days for the whole process to happen and to deliver. The day was spent playing card games, watching tv and cramping, not bad enough I couldn’t handle it. It was time for my nurse to go home and I was so sad. She was amazing, caring, laughed with me, cried with me and listened. The next nurse was sweet but kept saying how sorry she was every time she came in which just upset me more. I prayed that my body would wait until morning when my favorite nurse came back. Sure enough morning came and my nurse was back with a smile and flowers from her garden. We did routine vitals and had breakfast before seeing the dr whom said he would send me home if I didn’t start progressing. I begged for different meds or stronger meds, going home and coming back just wasn’t a option. I was given stronger meds and the contractions became very painful and constant. I was scared as I knew the time was quickly approaching, I would meet my son. The last few moments my body would ever carry a child, the last few moments I would be with my son before saying good bye forever. It was time, I told the nurse I was ready she gathered the cart and a blanket to wrap him in. The dr was called but I couldn’t wait, my wonderful nurse and I delivered together. She cleaned my son up swaddled him in a blanket and laid him on my chest. He was so beautiful, little finger and toes, every part of him was perfect but why did he die? The dr came in and examined him and his cord had knotted up causing a loss of blood. I can’t say it made the loss easier knowing what happened but I was glad to know it wasn’t anything I did. My nurse gave the baby a bath, took measurements, wrapped him in a beautiful crochet blanket, took pictures and made a beautiful memory box for us. Soon after we got to leave the hospital, I walked down the steps of the hospital empty handed. I went home and curled up in my own bed, I felt empty a apart of me was missing. Every day after has been full of new challenges, seeing babies everywhere, pregnant women, people complaining on Facebook of sleepless nights or pregnancy aches and pains. I would give anything to be awake all night, have aches pains, no make up and the mom hair just to have my son. I have many friends pregnant and due right when I was and a couple friends who just announced. Im happy for them but it makes me sad all over again remembering announcing our little man we were welcoming. Now We get to announce this tragedy that hit our family. My son is broken hearted and wants a baby so bad, every day he asks when we will have another baby. I don’t have the heart to tell him just yet mommy and daddy aren’t having another baby. The hardest thing in the world is not only losing a child but disagreeing with your spouse who says they don’t want another. I feel I’m grieving for those memories I can’t make, the little hands I can’t hold. I very thankful for the two beautiful children I have by my side, my husband, friends and family they have been wonderful. I have connected with other women who have experienced a loss and I can relate with to help work through all the emotions I have. In memory of my son I have been donating breastmilk to babies in need since it came in full force after he was born. So far i have donated over 200oz to a beautiful little baby, I feel I’m giving his life a further purpose. He brought so much joy to our lives the short time he was with us and with all the kicks and nudge he gave me. Its been a few weeks and I can now go a day with out crying or having a emotional break down but the pain is still there. I wear a smile but really, I want to express to the world my pain and how much I hurt losing my son and the memories we never got to make. Would he be a sweet cuddle buddy with dimples like his brother or stubborn like his sister? I see little boys and wonder if he would have had green eyes like his daddy or brown like mine? What would have been his first words? How sweet would his voice have been? I will never get to know but i will always wonder what he would have been like and who he would have become. I will never look at another baby, mother or little boy the same. I will carry him with me where ever I go and forever be changed by this special little life.”

  49. Sarah

    We found out I was pregnant with our first child on September 18th. We weren’t necessarily trying to have a baby (even though my husband says he was). It was more that we were open to it and not trying to prevent it. I was a little nervous. I wanted to be in a more stable place.

    I had my first ultrasound at approximately 6 weeks 1 day on September 25th. We saw a tiny little baby and even saw the heart beating! We scheduled the next ultrasound for October 9th. We were going to get a due date!

    I started visualizing what our life would be like. I was so excited.

    Unfortunately, the day of my dating ultrasound, I started bleeding (but only when I went to the bathroom). Honestly, I was having symptoms of a UTI, so I believed that the bleeding was from a UTI, which has happened for me before. However, once we got to the OB’s office to have the ultrasound, it took a LONG time for the ultrasound tech to say anything to us. The more she fiddled with the machine, the quiet filled my ears. All I could hear was her clicking away on the machine. I just knew. I knew there was something wrong. Finally, she told me and my husband that there was no heartbeat.

    We both sat there, dumbstruck. Honestly, you don’t expect this type of thing to happen. You hear that it could happen, you maybe worry about it a bit, but think, “as long as I make it to 12 weeks, I’ll be fine”.

    I had several HCG tests in the next couple of days. They confirmed the worst…my HCG was going down. I had lost my baby.

    I decided to wait to see if I would pass it on my own, but scheduled a D&C for October 29th. I started bleeding the Thursday beforehand and started passing clots on the day before the surgery, but didn’t pass any tissue. So, I moved forward with the D&C.

    I did start wondering if this was because of my fears in the beginning. Did I not love my baby enough? Was it because I was afraid we weren’t ready?

    Honestly, it’s been surreal in the worst ways. There are days where I feel like I want to move forward. Not forget, but move forward. There are days I want to curl up in bed and stay there. There are days when I turn to my husband, crying, and say that “I just want to have a baby. I just want to be pregnant.” It doesn’t help that my sister is coming up on the birth of her son or that all I see on social media are people with baby bumps, or ultrasounds, or other baby related things. I try to be supportive, but it can be tiring. And the fact that even if I wanted to try again, I’d have to wait until the new year (2 normal cycles), just really sucks.

    I want to get a remembrance tattoo. I want to get the Celtic motherhood symbol with a sprig of lilies of the valley next to it (because my baby would have been due in May and because lilies of the valley also symbolize motherhood). I just don’t want to get it now, because I want to start trying again as soon as possible.

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