1. Jessica

    Thank you for sharing your story! I am 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. Our first child was born with a heart defect. The Lord allowed us to love and care for him for almost 3 whole months. He is now with Jesus. We miss him so much! I’ve been struggling with the fear of experiencing more heartbreak with this new life growing within me. Just like you said, I must choose to be joyful just like I choose to fear. Praying for you!

    • ashleybbass

      This brought me tears. I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine that heartbreak, but I’m so proud of you for choosing joy! Your story is beautiful. Congratulations on the new life growing in you! Praise God! Thank you for reading.

  2. Alaina

    I really really needed to read this today. My husband and I have a beautiful, vibrant 3 year old daughter. We tried last year for a sibling for her, and we lost the baby at 12 weeks pregnant. Although we were both devastated, we understood that God had a bigger plan for our family. I took several months to mourn and come to terms with the loss. I had desperately wanted to try again, but was just not ready. As of yesterday, I have felt really nauseous all day, and am about 5 days away from the start of my period. Just for kicks, I decided to take a test – and boom – positive. I have so many different emotions whirling around in my head right now, mainly fear, but you are absolutely right, I need to choose Joy. Thank you for this post.

    • ashleybbass

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss. Praise God for the new little one growing inside you! I hope you let yourself feel all the natural feelings that will come in this pregnancy, but also allow yourself to get excited and connect with this new baby too. You’re doing great. Take it a day at a time! Remember you are not alone.

  3. Terrified

    I really needed to read this today, I lost my last baby at 21 weeks. She was stillborn and that loss heart my husband and I to the core. I’m 5 weeks pregnant now and I’m terrified to tell my husband. I would rather me feel the pain verses both of us if there was a loss. I pray over this baby everyday and want to feel the excitement but it is so hard.

    • ashleybbass

      I’m so glad this was encouraging for you. I’m heartbroken to hear about your loss. Congratulations on your new sweet one! I know how scary that is. It’s ok to have all those feelings. I hope you can share the news with your husband soon, so that he can walk through this with you. The excitement and the hard part too. You shouldn’t have to be feeling it all alone. You can do this!

    • jamie

      We lost our third baby at 21 weeks and another at 16…i just found out we are pregnant again and i can’t wrap my head around being scared or happy….I waited several days before i told my hubby and we havent shared with anyone else yet either… its hard, i dont know if it ever gets to a point of feeling relief that your expecting and all is good! I havent even made a doc appointment yet because im exhausted with all the tests and such i know will be taking place and the waiting on the results is sickening.

      • ashleybbass

        Jamie, I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly hard. Know that you are not alone. Every bit of pain that this struggle is causing you is proof of what a wonderful mother you are to your babies. You are enduring so much for their sake. I’ll be in prayer for your current pregnancy and for your joy during it.

  4. Andrea Alldredge

    Thank you for this! I have a healthy amazing 2 year old little boy! Had a miscarriage in September and got pregnant right away again and I’m now 6 weeks with another bundle of joy! It’s been so hard but yet talking to God has helped! You hit all of my feelings in this post! Thank you!

    • ashleybbass

      Andrea, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s definitely something that stays with us mamas. But congratulations on your newest little one! Keep trusting in God’s strength throughout this new adventure. I hope you can choose joy every day!

  5. Avery

    Thank you so much for sharing. All of this speaks to my heart and is exactly what I needed to be reminded of. After experiencing a loss a year ago, I too was scared to have another child. I didn’t know if my heart could handle another loss. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and living everyday as if something bad is going to happen. It is exhausting. I need to pray more and be thankful for this live I have inside of me, and stop anticipating the worst. I have a beautiful 3.5 year old son who is full of life and love and I can’t wait to see what our next child will bring!

    • ashleybbass

      Avery, I’m so sorry about your loss. I absolutely know how scary it is to be pregnant again. Remember you are a great mama to your son and that great love can be shared with this baby too, even when it’s hard. I hope you find comfort, hope, and joy throughout this pregnancy!

  6. Grace

    Glad I came across this. My case is vanishing twin, I lost one during my 8th week. All the things you mentioned are happening to me at once that I get confused and feel guilty. You’re right though in choosing joy because I still have a life growing in me but I also allowed myself to grieve my loss.

    • ashleybbass

      Grace, I’m so sorry for your loss. I imagine carrying their sibling must bring all kinds of mixed emotions. My heart feels for you. Keep moving forward for the life living inside of you. I’m sure this will make you an even stronger and more loving mommy.

  7. Emma Tellng

    This is such a lovely post. I too have had two losses so far. My first was at 23 weeks, where I was lucky enough to see and hold my beautiful little girl, albeit just for a short while. Three years after loosing Annie, I had another miscarriage at 6 weeks.
    I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago. Then on Thursday evening I started bleeding and cramping.
    I thought that was the end again. However, when I got to the hospital the found the little heartbeat. Yesterday, however, the bleeding became much heavier and cramps were agony. I’m terrified I’ve lost another little one.

    • ashleybbass

      Emma, thank you for reading and for sharing your story. It’s so heartbreaking to hear about your losses. I can’t imagine your fear going into this pregnancy, especially having such scary symptoms again. I’ve been in prayer for you. I’d love to know how you are doing. Remember you are a strong mother to all of your babies, for however long they may have lived in this world. You will always be their mama and they will always be loved.

  8. Heather

    Thank you for this post. I am pregnant with my second after a miscarriage in July. Today I am 7w5d, which is when I started spotting with my last. I have my first appointment Wednesday, 8w and when my miscarriage truly STARTED. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since since that second line pop up – OVERJOYED for this little love and TERRIFIED of a repeat. And I’m struggling with the due date coming up (3/11).

    I’m choosing JOY every single day, I’m telling my three year old about all of her little brother or sister’s milestones as each week passes.

    Thank you for sharing your story, it’s helping to bring me peace as I go through the next few days and remember that this pregnancy is different from my last. Thank you <3

    • ashleybbass

      Heather, congratulations on your new sweet baby! Thank you for sharing. Remember that it is perfectly ok to be a little heartbroken at the same time as experiencing all the joy of being pregnant. Your heart is big enough to be Mama to all of your little ones, even the one that is no longer on earth.

  9. I am so glad I came across this post! I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in May 2017. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant again since, and we just found out a week ago that I’m pregnant again! (On my birthday, nonetheless!) Due in November 2018. I’m obviously SO overjoyed and SO excited. But, I also am absolutely terrified of suffering another loss, and I’ve definitely felt myself holding back somewhat this time. Some days are better than others. I try to just let go and trust God with this pregnancy, whatever His will. But some days, I get caught up in my fear. Other days, I’m able to choose joy, and to relish every moment of this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • ashleybbass

      Abby, congratulations! It’s so exciting to hear about new life. I’m so sorry for your loss. Remember that your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. If you’re sad, it’s ok to be sad. And when you’re thrilled, there’s no guilt in that. You are Mama to both of these babies and you have enough heart to hold them both. I wish you the very best as you and your family grow.

  10. Jacqueline

    I’m currently 19 weeks along with our second boy. This is my third pregnancy to make it this far. Our son is almost four years old. In August of ‘17 my husband and I had to make the heart wrenching decision to terminate my pregnancy for medical reasons. I was 19 weeks along when we made that choice. Our daughter would have been born is January.

    I became pregnant again very soon, and we are so incredibly thrilled to be expecting this little boy. I still grieve for the loss of our daughter; we both do, my husband and I. Grieving is a process.

    • ashleybbass

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Jacqueline. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to find joy in your pregnancy.

  11. Cynthia

    Hi.. Thank you for this.. I had an ovarian cancer at 16 years old and wasn’t supposed to be able to have children… EVER… I only have 1/4 of an ovary left. My husband and I were very suprised when we got our first son Eli. He is now 4 years old and he’s amazing. We tried to give him a little brother, Loïc, but we lost him when I was 21 weeks pregnant on 2015/12/18. We tried again.. We lost our little girl Charlotte when I was 21 weeks pregnant again on 2016/12/16… Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I try really hard not to be afraid… I pray.. I meditate… But every little ”cramp like” sensation or weird feeling I’m scared.. I know that this is not in my control.. But I don’t know how I would survive an other loss.. (Sorry for my English, I’m a French Canadian)

    • ashleybbass

      Wow. Thank you for sharing your story, Cynthia. It’s heartbreaking, but I know it will encourage everyone who reads it. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such loss. You are a good mama to all of your babies. I wish you the very best with this pregnancy. Keep us posted.

  12. Jess

    Thanks for your story. My husband and I lost a little one at 9 weeks this past October 2017. We had no idea it had even happened because I had a missed miscarriage and didn’t find out until we went to hear the heartbeat and there was none. It was heartbreaking. I’m now currently pregnant with our second and there are nerves everyday but I’m trying to remain hopeful and I ask God each and everyday to help my fears. We go on Monday for the anatomy ultrasound. Thanks so much again for sharing your story, stories like yours are what give me courage, hope, and remind me in hard times and good times to lean on God.

    • ashleybbass

      Jess, I’m so sorry for your loss. Somehow, believe it will help you grow into an even more strong and compassionate mother. Your babies are blessed to have you for however long they are with you. Thinking of you as you prepare for your ultrasound tomorrow!

  13. Mandy

    I lost my beautiful twin boys at 24 weeks. I am currently attending therapy to help me deal with the grieving process. I had the privilege to hold them and kiss them hallo and goodbye. This is by far the hardest thing we had to go through. I deeply miss them everyday. We are trying to become pregnant again but no luck yet. However I know that all will happen in God’s perfect timing. I am already praying for my anxiety levels for my future pregnancies. Its so sad to see that there is so many woman that goes through this. So sorry to read about everyones’ losses. xx

    • ashleybbass

      Mandy, I cannot imagine your pain. I’m so sorry. You are so strong to keep trying and praying. Those boys are blessed to have you as their mommy. Forever. And your future babies will be too. Don’t give up.

  14. Ana

    I guess it’s no coincidence that I would come across your blog now. I recently lost our second child on March 14, 2018….her (well we don’t know for sure it was a girl but I felt it was) due date was 10/31/18. I have a son who is 3 and keep trying to remind myself that God has already given me a special miracle here on heaven that I need to continue to treasure. I pray that God may bless us with another miracle, but I am thankful for my 2 babies. Having a miscarriage was one of my biggest fears, especially since we struggle to conceive. I thank you so much for sharing your story, and sending love and encouragement to other mama’s facing the same tragedies. I have been blessed by other women who have stepped in and shared their hearts and stories with me, have prayed for myself and my husband, and encouraged us. I have been hurt, mad, and numb. But I have cried out to God more now that I think I have in a long time. Trying to focus on the path he has set for myself and my family. Thank you for your heart!

  15. Abbey

    I am 27 weeks pregnant. Our first child was born with Congenital heart disease. As I read your blog, I realized that I am not alone. It feels different if you know that someone will understand you. Thank you for sharing your story. On Tuesday we will be having Congenital Anomaly Scan. Please pray for me and my baby. God bless you and your family! ❤️

  16. Sarah

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have lost 4 of my babies, two miscarriages and two ectopic, all between 6 and 10 weeks. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby so far, but I feel very disconnected from this baby. I feel like I can’t get attached, and any time I try to reach out to him or plan for his birth, some part of me shuts down saying “don’t say that, don’t think thst, it will only hurt more if something happens.” I want to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy because it’s what I wished and cried and prayed for for so long, and these sad, scared, and empty feelings I have makes me feel like something us6 wrong with me. I haven’t seen a lot of stuff out there about experiencing a pregnancy after a loss and all the different emotions that come with it so I was very grateful to come across your blog. It’s nice to know that I am not alone, and that we can get through these hard times and feelings. Thank you.

    • ashleybbass

      Sarah, thank you for sharing your story too. I’m so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Your feelings are real and it is ok to feel them. Your babies are blessed with a mother who loves them with everything she has. That includes the hurt that you’ve experienced. Healing will come and you will have so much joy to share with your baby.

  17. Natosha

    Thank you for posting this. I’m also pregnant now with my fourth. My first Daniel is 14, our second Blane was stillborn, and third was a miscarriage and two years later I’m 7 weeks. And you’re so right I feel cautious but I want to be excited but also don’t want to be let down it’s so hard. But I’ve been praying a lot that s time. And we haven’t told anybody at first I didn’t even tell my husband at first I didn’t tell him until 10 days after I found out I guess I was trying to make sure everything was okay at first because my first son is from a previous relationship so he thinks it’s his fault cause of the the stillborn and miscarriage even though we had genetic testing done and the doctors said it wasn’t anything we did wrong or genetics it was just something that happened. So now we’re just trying to take it one day at a time and some days are happy and some days are worry some and scary.

    • ashleybbass

      Natosha, I’m so sorry for your losses. That is absolutely heartbreaking. But praise God for the baby inside of you! I’m glad that you told your husband so that you can go through this hard time together. Try to let yourself be excited, even if you’re scared too. You are a great mama. You can do this.

  18. Mary L

    This. This is exactly what I was looking for as I am devastated after losing our first pregnancy at 7 weeks. How can I go on? How can I enjoy a pregnancy after this? Choose joy! Yes! You are right! I too have always felt that I was always meant to be a mother and that in some way I have always been a mother. So it completely wrecked me when that was taken away. We want to try again and I am struggling with letting go of all the anger that is inside me right now. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • ashleybbass

      Mary, I’m so glad to know that my story encouraged you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your heartbreak is so real. Remember that to grieve for one child doesn’t mean you won’t also have room to love another with all of your heart. You are and will be an amazing mom.

  19. Mary

    Hi, I ‘m Mary. I have never been pregnant before now, and am currently 13 weeks. I have never lossed a child, and for that I am grateful. However I have endured countless negative pregnancy tests over the past 7 years, endless fertility treatments, the feeling of failure, and a diagnosis of severe PCOS. I came to simply accept that pregnancy was something not ever meant for me.

    Three years ago, we were given the chance to adopt a baby boy yet to be born. We were exstatic, and overjoyed. Half way through our birth mothers pregnancy, she changed her mind. I don’t think I had ever been more devastated, especially right before Christmas. We chastised ourselves for being so hopeful, for dreaming, and planning. We felt like we were being punished for being so naive. So when she changed her mind yet again, we didn’t get our hopes up, we just went through the motions. Even as he was placed in my arms I didn’t let myself get attached, even after the 24 hour wait period was over, I still felt detached, waiting for someone to name me a thief and take him from me. I was protecting myself, and I knew it. I just couldn’t handle another heartbreak, it would have broken me. It wasn’t until my son was three month old and after we took him to be blessed in our temple that I finally felt I was his mother, and not a glorified baby sitter. I finally allowed myself to own the fact that I was and forever would be his momma.

    Fast forward three years later and unexpectedly 13weeks pregnant. If it wasn’t for the ultrasounds I could easily forget I am pregnant. Not because I want to, but because I am scared. Most people with my severity of condition lose their first pregnancy. It’s hard to let myself imagine holding this baby, or imagine my son holding it. I am scared to enjoy this pregnancy for fear I might lose it. The worst part is I didn’t realize I was doing it this time. I didn’t know my head was protecting my heart.
    I am aware now. Now that I am almost finished with the hardest and riskiest part, I am hoping to intentionally enjoy it, and allow myself to dream. I want to feel love and joy when, not if, but when my baby is born. I don’t want to still be afaid. I will do my best to dream of my baby, because I am the mother of this baby, no matter how long.

    There is always joy, even admist pain.

    • ashleybbass

      Mary, thank you so much for reading my story and sharing yours. Your heart for your baby is so encouraging and I know your love is wrapping around the little one inside of you with every moment. I know the fear you are feeling. It’s ok to feel it. But I encourage you to enjoy every moment with your baby, no matter what the outcome may be. You wont regret that. But I’m sure you will be holding your darling baby soon and all of the pain and waiting will have been worth it.

  20. Andee

    Hi! I am 24. My first daughter will be turning 6 in 2 and a half weeks. And yesterday was the one year after losing my second daughter. I was 20 weeks pregnant when we lost her. Had her name picked out and everything. My husband and I have finally agreed to try again, but I am just as nervous as I am excited. I hope I get to have my rainbow baby. And I hope all mothers who have gone through a loss get their rainbow baby if they want!

    • ashleybbass

      Andee, thank you so much for your comment. I hope this post was able to encourage you to push through the hard part. It will be difficult. It just will. But giving life to your next little one will be a way to honor the life of the baby you have lost. Don’t let fear create more loss for you. You are strong! I hope you are able to choose joy!

  21. Kay

    i read all of these stories and gosh ..my heart breaks..i had my first still birth at 26, got pregnant 3months later after 11 years try again..loss my son on friday at 31 weeks..my heart aches..am loss devastated..think i may try again but lord..the good in all this is that God has been faithful..he has been mu strenght like no other. my husband and I are preparing for our son burial its bitter sweet..please pray for us..its really dark at this moment

    • ashleybbass

      Kay, thank you for reading and sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. Continue trusting in the Lord. He will continue to be faithful. I will be praying for you and your husband during this extremely hard time.

  22. Ashley

    4 days ago I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I have always found out much earlier. I was 12 days late before I realized I was late. Who does that? I guess a busy mom of three who homeschools and runs a business with their husband. I had a miscarriage Memorial Day 2017. That would have been my fourth child. It devastated me more than I could ever imagine. My body thought it was pregnant for 11 weeks when in reality I was carrying an empty sac. I had morning sickness, fatigue, sore boobs, cravings. It was like my body lied to me. I grieved for an entire year. Gained 30 pounds and was emotional every time a diaper commercial came on. It really surprised me that after having three kids that a miscarriage would affect me so much. Memorial Day this year I decided that a year of grieving was enough and I needed to pull myself out of my depression. I lost that 30 pounds in 2.5 months. And BAM!!!!! PREGNANT! Now I am terrified. I am happy but terrified. Every time I pee I look for blood. Every cramp in my uterus has me holding my breath. My due date is two years from the miscarriage…May 31. I’m debating on whether I want to go to the doctor earlier or wait a little longer and just keep taking my prenatal pills, eat healthy, walk everyday, and just pray until I reach 10 to 13 weeks. I want to feel joyful and imagine the day I give birth but something in me is holding my breath. I can’t do this for the next 7 months. I hope God will give me peace about this pregnancy.

    • ashleybbass

      Ashley, thank you so much for sharing this. I am so very sorry. That pain is just so unlike any other. You are a STRONG mama! Choosing to step out of that darkness and do the work to get healthy proves that you ARE able to do hard things. You can do this. It is so normal to have those fears and the checking for blood thing is also super normal. I did that all the way through all 3 of my pregnancies (including the 2nd loss) after my first miscarriage. Don’t feel shame or guilt for how you are feeling. But keep working hard by choosing joy. Pray for grace and peace. Ask God to sustain you through every day of this pregnancy, however many days that may be. Either way, you are your baby’s mama now and forever and that is something worth finding joy in!

  23. Lindsay S

    Thank you for sharing your story. I found out this morning that I am now pregnant for the 6th time, my 7th child. Already the fear has crept in so prayers are much appreciated!!

    1st – Henry Ray born and lost at 17 weeks
    2nd – Schaeffer Renae, my beautiful 4yo rainbow
    3rd – Kamden Alan & Kohen Wesley born and lost at 30 weeks
    4th – 7 week miscarriage
    5th – Holland River, my beautiful 1yo rainbow

    Praying this rainbow baby inside of me continues to grow and flourish!!

    • ashleybbass

      Wow, Lindsay, your story is so powerful. Both heartbreaking and encouraging for mothers who know similar pain. I’m so sorry for your losses, but so excited for your news! Congratulations. Thank you for sharing your story.

  24. Dee

    I’m scared to try again. I’m 40yrs old, have a 3yr old son & recently lost a baby at 11wks gestation. I’ve never felt such sadness. We want to try again, but with this loss & my age, I’m really scared. I love what you wrote…”look at my son and remember that my body does know what to do and that it can do it again.” My son is what is really getting me through this sadness. If it’s not in God’s plan to give us another child, I know I am truly blessed to have my lil boy. I’m taking this loss day by day & at times, moment by moment. I do have support from my husband, family & friends, especially those who have also experienced similar loss. Even with the support, it’s still hard when I have my moments of grief & tears. I appreciate all the other mamas who have written about their experiences because that helps give me strength to get through this & courage to try again.

    • ashleybbass

      Dee, I’m so sorry. I know how confusing and challenging it can be to hope for another baby while also trying to simply cherish the little one you’ve been blessed with. Try not to put a time limit on your mourning. Even in a future pregnancy, your heart will still ache for what could have been. And that’s not a bad thing. Enjoy your sweet son and give yourself lots of grace moving forward. You’re a precious mama.

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